Housewife of Orange County

Maybe it is because I live in southern California and have become a victim of the reality/fiction show, “The Real Housewives of Orange County” that magazines espousing magical cures for wrinkles and aging intrigue me. The most recent one to cross my post box was titled Body & Beyond and featured thirty pages of advertisements (that was the whole publication actually) filled with great metaphors and similes not to mention plain marketing 101 such as the following, “A beautiful nu image for the nu year.” Interesting that when one is beautiful and healthy that spelling suddenly doesn’t seem to matter as much.

Looking through these pages I cannot help but chuckle, “Look ten years younger on your first visit!” Wow, sign me up, ten years- does that have a direct correlation so if I make two visits I will look twenty years younger?! How does one achieve such magic anyway? The advertisement promises that celebrities loving this treatment include “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” Wow…

I, like the women featured in the “The Real Housewives of Orange County”, can lay claim to being that- a housewife. But I am not sure exactly what is meant by the qualifier ‘Real’- does that mean I am fake? False? In any case, unlike the women in the program, I cannot lay claim to having any resemblance of a life to theirs. Okay, I will admit I live in a gated community nestled at the foot of a range of mountains, but my house is not 5,000 square feet- not of course that there is anything wrong with a 5,000 square foot house- a bit more dust and cleaning to be sure…but hey.

I cease to understand how these woman – who are all amazingly dressed albeit in what appears to me to be the same outfit in different shades (chartreuse, sherbet, camellia, lavender, celery, burnished gold, siena, etc.) episode to episode. But this could my background in retail rearing its impish head -maybe the recession is even hitting the ladies living the high and mighty wave of excess.

If one wants to witness the backlash of women pulling and pushing each other apart like tangled bits of taffy, then this is the show. They do not stop in their relentless self deprecation of how woeful bits and pieces of their exacting lives are. Money and looks aside, these women have very little else.

It would seem that their ability to find happiness resides in their ability to poke and scratch at each other’s eyes- like feral cats marking territory. It is really quite fascinating to observe. On one recent episode one gal, who is engaged to a man old enough to be her father (unfortunately suffering from cancer ) and rich enough to keep her nicely clothed for years to come, shared her concerns about taking care of herself – should something happen. She and he are still just that a she and a he- not a Mr. and Mrs. We will call her Blond Beauty.

She is pretty with tresses of wheat colored hair and a great figure capped with a winning smile. We join this young lady as she is having lunch with her new best friends (BFFs) – another blonde who iwe shall refer to as Alpha Mom and a brunette who used to be a playboy bunny – years ago. We will call her Alpha Gal.

There is another brunette, let’s call her Moon Doggie, who is a major sports and workout hound and she provides a bit of controversy by disputing the claims of the Alpha Mom and Alpha Gal.
The engaged young woman is bemoaning the fact that because she is not yet married that the fiancé’s children from previous marriages will be in line for any inheritance. Alpha Mom and Alpha Gal vehemently yelp: get a prenuptial, or power of attorney, or beneficiary – something in a legal document form to which this young and beautiful lass can hold should the unthinkable happen.

This conversation seems to erupt into a full throttle roar when Moon Doggies tries to explain while waving her jewel encrusted fingers that there is more to life than money. I happen agree with her. But I wonder if it is easier to spout such a statement as one looks at the rocks of diamonds and rubies sparkling on fingers dancing in the California sunshine. Just a thought.
Moon Doggie tries to make her case by recommending that Blond Beauty just try and stay the course and help her man through the chemotherapy etc. Well, Alpha Mom goes for the jugular. Her super tight skin grimaces in a surreal way and perhaps the camera crew could do a better job of trying to portray her with a better angle. I won’t bother describing it- let’s just say it’s not pretty.

I could go on…I will admit that I just cannot pull myself away from this insipid show..and as I sit here looking at page 9 of Body & Beyond magazine espousing that the Glamour Den will save me $100 on my first full head extension. I find myself scratching my recently trimmed locks.
I seem to recall having a cosmetology Barbie doll when I was about ten years old. I believe you could actually pull her hair to make it grow – is that what this is? But hey, the Glamour Den is my one stop for luxurious hair….

I am still trying to grasp the ‘real’ meaning behind “Real Housewives of Orange County.” What does that make me? Maybe I won’t answer that question…